Marriage Spices #17

Diet, Fat, Love, and Lies

We of HighRomance.com find ourselves very irritated with the emphasis on thinness in our culture. A recent Christian bestseller all but blamed the unfaithfulness of thin marriage partners on their "fat" spouses! We find that disgusting and rediculous. Unfaithfulness is a decision by one partner to break his or her vow to remain faithful. It is a cheap shot to pretend that one partner's wrong decision is the fault of the other partner. Each partner is responsible for their own decisions in marriage and in life.

Oprah recently had a couple on her show where this idea played out. The husband, a highly attractive male who appeared thin by most standards, sat silently as his wife talked about how she had to forbid him having second helpings, dessert, and so on because he was "disgustingly" overweight. The audience gasped collectively, stunned. Oprah wondered aloud how long the man would remain with such an unloving, verbally abusive woman! It was obvious where the problem was, and it certainly wasn't with the husband--unless his silent, passive response to such treatment could be counted against him.

It is a good thing for someone who is constantly being harassed by their spouse about weight issues to find out for themselves just what being overweight means to medical experts and scientists.

Sexuality, sensuality, desire, and attraction do have to do with physical things. What we see in our partner when we first get to know them is often physical: height, weight, hair color, body shape, the sound of their voice, and so on. But as we grow together as married couples, is that where the attraction is to remain?

Yes, and no. Successful marriages usually feature two people who find each other more beautiful, more sexy, more interesting and alluring, than they did at the beginning. But the mystery of each to the other is based in a love that DECIDES to find that mystery in their mate rather than getting bored, angry, or looking elsewhere. The marriage grows and opens each person more and more to the other, but with each opening new avenues of exploration open up for each partner to continue down.

The physical, frankly, takes a back seat to the deeper matters of heart and mind. HighRomance love is very physical, yet doesn't use the physical as the yardstick by which to measure the worth of one's lover. HighRomance says of the beloved, "You are loved FOR YOURSELF." Sex itself becomes more and more a relational matter, fueled by a desire FOR THE SPOUSE rather than simply desire for sexual release. (The latter isn't wrong, by the way, and when one does desire release and is happily married, God's obviously provided the remedy!)

The wise spouse chooses to find mystery in that which is most familiar, namely, the body, heart, and mind of their mate. If the mate is overweight, find mystery in that which remains attractive. Instead of focusing on his middle-age bulge or her sagging breasts (sagging because they fed children!), the spouse focues on his strong, gentle-but-large fingers or her thick, inviting lips and brown, sparkling eyes. And the touch of our mate is still that same touch of the young person who first lay next to us on our wedding night.

If I am thin, can I do what I'm responsible to do in order that my marriage remain strong, vibrant, romantic, and sensual? I do NOT try to make my spouse "get thin" by any combination of threats, immoral behavior, or emotional manipulation. That said, if my partner is quite overweight (not just minor flab but potentially life-threatening weight gains), I should affirm my love for them through physical, verbal, and non-verbal affection while also making it clear I'm not feeling loved by their lack of self-control regarding food.

It is alright to cry when I fear my lover is endangering himself through destructive overeating. In some instances, one partner might insist that both partners visit a counselor together.

If I'm overweight, I ask myself what I can do to love my spouse as I ought. No one needs to be verbally pummeled by a mate who's main interest is in being married only to a "thin" person. Yet it is important for the overweight partner to realize:

1. Heart attacks, diabetes, higher instances of cancer, strokes, and sexual dysfunction (to name a few) are interlinked with obesity.

2. You -- in your body -- are likely more precious to your partner than anything or anyone else. S/he doesn't want to lose you. Do you want to hurt her/him with the double sadness of a death or debilitating illness that could have been prevented?

3. Not being too therapeutic (heaven forbid) but like most addictions, food addiction is often about trying to take care of a real need with the wrong self-medication. What makes it tough is that food consumption, unlike use of alchohol or drugs, can't simply be stopped altogether. We need a certain amount of food to go on. It is likely that in cases where you know you're highly overweight (not just 10 or 15 lbs but more like 50, 100, or more), you need fundamental changes in your life.

What might some of those changes be? It is far easier than you might think. No fad diets or bizarre eating behavior necessary! A loss of only five to ten pounds often increases health exponentially. And though they're often villified, Weight Watchers' groups approach eating very sensibly and with a medically approved lack of hysteria that is refreshing. Unlike many so-called "Christian" weight loss approaches, such as Gwen Shamblin's "Weighdown Workshop," there's also no legalistic, pompous, and scientifically ill-informed "super-spiritualizing" of common sense issues. Go as a couple. (No, we get no support from Weight Watchers!)

Diets come down to one simple fact: If you eat more calories than you use up during a day, you gain weight. If you burn up more calories than you eat, you lose weight.

Though new habits are sometimes hard to start, exercising can be a couple affair.You can even Square Dance together! Walking is actually one of the best and most long-lasting habits you can have together as a couple -- you can walk at a normal pace, talk, and forget you're exercising at all! It can become a real time to reconnect with one another as well as take care of the bodies you bless one another with.

Here's what Runners World had to say about marital walking together:

We of HighRomance.com are not therapists, and would urge couples with either extreme of difficulty (that is, a thinness fetish on the one hand or a problem with obesity on the other) to get help professionally. Sometimes that takes humility and a desire for lasting change, which of course is also part of the High Romance....

Here are some informational links that may help further explore this topic: