***The High Romance***

Spice #4: Non-sexual Massage

This is a tried and true way to make loving connections with your mate, especially when the partner who's normally the more sexual puts sex aside for some non-sexual touch. (Yes, usually the guys are the ones who ought to pursue this spice as a way to show their love for their wives!)

Make sure the room is warm, and private (door locked). Put a sign on the door if necessary so your kids / family members will know this is "couple time" not to be interrupted. Then gently undress your partner (and perhaps yourself as well, though remember, this isn't supposed to lead to sex!). Turn off the lights and light a few candles if appropriate, adding some gentle mood music via the stereo.

Get some olive oil, or body lotion, along with a rag for any drips or excess. Have your spouse lie down on the bed on their tummy, using a sheet you don't mind having a few oil marks or lotion on. Begin with her / his shoulders, gently rubbing with your palms or using your finger tips for a deeper muscle massage. Talk with each other, and find out what your partner likes (soft touch vs. pressing harder, finger tips vs. palm and heel of hands). Move down the body, working the upper, middle, and lower back, moving from the center (spine) outward. If you find a good spot (one the partner verbally signals is good), stay there for a minute or so.

Knead the bottom, thighs, calfs, and feet (only if they're not ticklish!). Then have your partner flip over, and start again from the top. Include the face, neck, and even head if your marriage partner seems to like it. Leave out the genitals, of course, since this isn't about sex but about affirmation and enjoying one another minus orgasm.

Ask your partner where she / he aches, if anywhere. Remember this information, because more often than not, each of our bodies is a map that has certain places where aches live. Additionally, find out where rubbing / massaging creates the most pleasure for your partner (non-sexual!). Again, such "body map points" often remain fairly constant.

Masters and Johnson (the sexologists) came up with a set of exercises they call "sensate focus." The idea is to take turns, for about 20 minutes or so, exploring one another's nude bodies without having it lead to sex. In cases where a couple has been having difficulties sexually, this approach is suggested over a period of days. (For more info on this, see Christian sexologists Clifford and Joyce Penner.)

Now, obviously, you and your spouse will likely think about sex (if he / she doesn't, maybe that's a sign there's other problems / issues to be worked out). The idea of sensate focus is to create sexual bonding and intimacy, to find out what makes one another tick sexually. And so sensate focus ends up being a help in re-invigorating -- or maybe even starting for the first time -- sexuality between the two of you.

Yet sensate focus, or "fixing" your sex life, is not the primary idea in this marriage spice suggestion (though it might work that way). This is a one-way experience, meant more to communicate how wonderful it is to touch one's mate than to communicate sexual or sensual feelings. The fact that touching your partner may emotionally move you as well is merely a bonus. Of course there's no sin or wrong involved if this exercise leads to the two of you having sex. But particularly if she / he is one who often feels overwhelmed by your sexual "demands" -- this is a good way to affirm your love through touch without making what seem demands sexually.

Gently dress your wife or husband when you've finished the massage, and give them a gentle kiss. Make sure they know you expect nothing in return -- that what just happened was a gift of love without strings or expectations.

And that's the High Romance....